5...4...3...2...1...1...2...3...4...happy new year!

it's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life...

it's a new year. it's funny to me how much pressure is put on the day after december 31st, when in actuality it's no different than the day before or the day after. somehow, we decide that january 1st starts a new life for us. well not me, i've decided that january 4th starts my new life... so take that new years!

today i finished one of the most life altering books i've ever read. the book is The Peacegiver by James Ferrell, and from it i've adopted a new mantra for my life, which is:

Entitled to nothing and grateful for everything

one of the main points in the book is that we all believe that as human beings we are entitled to certain blessings in life, especially if we live a certain way, or put up with certain hardships or trials. the truth is that because we are naturally sinful people, none of us, regardless of how we live, is entitled to anything but hell and that it is because of the mercy of our Savior Jesus Christ that we receive any blessings at all. therefore, i wish to live my life being truly grateful for all that i receive, as i know that all that is good comes from God.

if you're not yet sold on this book, let me just share with you one of the most profound passages i read:

"...our appreciation for what Christ did for us will fall abysmally short if we think that he fell on his face merely at the prospect of suffering for a few mortal hours, however excruciating that suffering might be. Both in impact, kind, and degree, what happens in Gethsemane cannot be marked merely by the clock of this fallen realm. Indeed, it's impact could be felt from the days of Adam and Eve, even though by the reckoning of this earth it hadn't yet happened. The atonement happened as much outside this time as within it, though what was outside we cannot hope to grasp. It was and is an infinite and eternal act, unbounded by the limitations of mortality. No wonder the Savior trembled at the thought of it, and 'would that he might not drink the bitter cup.' Mortal minds, with their earth-bound limitations, cannot comprehend the immensity of it."

i'm telling you- get it, read it, borrow it from me if you want.

anyway, additionally, as is tradition with new years, i have made some other resolutions for myself. i've decided this year to focus my goals solely on my relationships and on my spiritual progression. and most importantly, i have a goal to stick with my goals! i don't think i've resolved to do anything that should be too difficult, but if i can stick to them, my life will truly be changed. by small and simple things, shall great things come to pass.

finally, on a more temporal level, i've also decided that i need to allow myself more freedoms, especially where work is concerned. i've decided that it's okay for me to sleep right up to 8:30 or even 9:00 before i roll out of bed and turn on my computer. it's also okay that i don't shower or get dressed most days until after 2:00. it's okay to cut out of work an hour early ever once in a while to catch a matinee movie, or to take a little longer at lunch and then work a little longer afterward (or not). what is not okay is to fail to accomplish the things i need to at work, to fall short of my goals and quotas, or to let people down. as long as i can keep a healthy balance i'll be happy. in life in general i also want to allow myself more freedoms, like not feeling that an entire saturday spent watching movies is a waste, not feeling like a loser for staying home alone on a weekend night, being able to go to bed at 8:30 sometimes, or staying out until 3 AM on work nights and not feeling bad for either. i'm going to stop feeling bad when i start 3 books at once and don't end up finishing any of them (even if they are a "must read"). i'll stop feeling bad for not watching the news or reading newspapers. more often i want to allow myself the time to play my guitar and piano, hang out with my sister, talk to my non-boston dwelling friends and family, and cook meals made of real food. most definitely i will be enjoying more movies, more days at the beach in the summer, more road trips, more laughter, more time with my grandma in ohio, more success at work, more friends, more service, more missionary work, and most of all more chocolate!!!

it's interesting when you start to focus on all that you can do, rather than all that you can't do, how much easier it is to make lasting changes. i'd love to hear from everyone what they've decided they CAN do this year. if you haven't already blogged it, feel free to leave it as a comment.

loves to all. this is going to be an AWESOME year.

me...i want a hoolihoop

ok, so this trip has actually been really, really hard for me. i know that there were a number of contributors to this, and probably mostly that some of my own expectations weren't met, but there have also been a few things that came out of nowhere which have suddenly put me in a position to make some serious, life altering decisions...

nevertheless, today is Christmas. it was amazing to me how my concerns melted away this morning as i watched my darling nephews dig into their presents and have them turn around and give hugs and kisses of gratitude to their parents and to us. as a family this year we decided not to give presents to each other, but just to get them for the little ones. i'll be honest, it was a little hard to put away all expectations and desires, since we've always had a huge Christmas, but such a good experience to truly be able to focus on the real reason for the holiday, and the importance of our Saviour Jesus Christ. i know that this experience, as well as other life circumstances, truly humbled me this year and gave me a better perspective than i've ever had.

this morning i couldn't help but relate to the Ammon when he said, "Now have we not reason to rejoice? Yea, I say unto you , there never were men that had so great reason to rejoice as we, since the world began..." (Alma 26:35- read it, it's awesome)

truly, i have so many reasons to rejoice which i hold close to my heart. i am so lucky to have been able to be with my wonderful family during this time, and i'm so grateful to be part of an eternal family, for which gift i know there has never been more reason to rejoice.

to all who spent the time alone, including my beloved gefeeee, know that my heart goes out to you and that you were in my prayers. i love you all.

Merry Christmas.

childlike

"The Savior has given us a model for developing humility. When his disciples approached Him and inquired, 'Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?' He responded by placing a little child in their midst. Becoming like a child is a gradual process of spiritual development in which we are aided by the Holy Ghost and our reliance on Christ's atonement. Through this process we will eventually acquire the childlike attributes of meekness, humility, patience, love, and spiritual submissiveness. True humility will inevitable lead us to say to God, 'Thy will be done.' And because what we are does affect what we do, our submissiveness will be reflected in our reverence, gratitude, and willingness to accept callings, counsel, and correction."
- Elder Marlin K. Jensen

i came across this passage written in one of my journal type things today, which i'm sure was no accident seeing as i was in a generally cranky mood while trying to deal with my new, seemingly all consuming calling. whoa!

i love how he says that becoming like a child is a gradual process of spiritual development. we spend so much of our lives trying to be adults, avoiding childlike behavior, when what we should really be doing is focusing on how to regain our childlike innocence. it's a shame that we ever grew out of it in the first place. this was a good lesson for me today.

churchy stuff

i thought i missed this place, but then i went to church yesterday.

okay, just kidding. sort of. let me explain...

i decided to go to my old ward, turns out it was stake conference yesterday. so there i sat, in the back of the dark gym of the enormous stake center, looking around at the thousands of single young adults and the beauty contest taking place before my eyes, and i remembered the sick feeling that i would get after leaving church sometimes. it's a feeling i can't explain any other way than feeling like the mentality surrounding my experience at church was more about looking good and getting asked out than on what church is really supposed to be about. i'm not saying that it was always this way, but definitely a lot of the time. i longed for my ward in boston...

once i was able to focus i found the meeting to be very valuable. all of the speakers were very good, especially the last two which were Elder Bednar and President Faust. Elder Bednar related a story of a friend he knew that wanted to buy a 4x4 truck. his wife didn't want him to purchase the truck, but he did anyway. then, wanting to prove its usefulness, he drove it up into the mountains to cut wood. he drove deeper and deeper into the forest and subsequently got stuck in the snow. as he sat there wondering if he would freeze to death he decided to get to work. he cut wood and piled it in the back of his truck. when he had filled the bed of the truck with as much wood as he could he decided to try once more to get out of the snow. he started up his truck and put it into gear, and began to go. the weight of the wood had provided the traction he needed to move ahead. after finishing the story Elder Bednar said, "Most people think that happiness is the absence of a load. But happiness is not the absence of a load, but rather, having the right load to help you move ahead." he went on to talk about the importance of making our load in life in accordance with the gospel and to make sure that we are continually filling our lives with the things necessary to get through this life. even though he didn't mention this, another thing that i found interesting is that the man didn't wait there to be saved, or to die, or anything. he got to work. even though he didn't necessarily know the outcome, he got out there and did what he had set out to do. i don't want to be the type of person to sit around and wait for things to happen for me...i want to get out there and do what i came to do.

i love when President Faust speaks because it always seems like it is coming straight from his heart. he really believes what he is saying and he speaks plainly and straight forward. his talk was about "believing blood and black sheep". believing blood referring to where the faith in the gospel came from in our lives, whether we are the first to believe or whether we come from a long line of believers it is the same and equally important to our heavenly father. then he spoke about the black sheep of our families. the ones who have lost their way. he posed the question, "what can we do about these black sheep?" then he answered by saying that all we can do is continue to be faithful, take advantage of the blessings and ordinances we have in our lives, and that we can also depend upon the sealing ordinance which guarantees that the family will be preserved for eternity. i am very grateful to be in a family with faithful parents who did the right thing and were married and sealed in the temple and to know that i will be with my family, who i love more than anything else in the world, forever.

this has been a good trip for me.

i miss my friends.

goodnight.