next time, trust your instinct

last night i thought i was going to die. literally. i laid (lied, lay?) in bed with a distinct feeling that it would be my last night on earth. i thought about my friends and family, and actually felt really bad that someone would have to clean my room. at one point i was pretty sure i saw a light.

until my not-so-near death experience i had spent most of the weekend in bed with a raging headache and shooting pains down both my legs. nothing, save sleep, brought any kind of relief. today, after much coaxing from roommates and friends i finally decided to go to the doctor. i've never been to a doctor in boston, so i set out on the first task of finding one. luckily, harvard pilgrim health care has a handy dandy website in which you can locate doctors near you. the site even tells you if they are currently accepting patients or not. neat, right? wrong. after i had been rejected by the 7th doctor i called i started to get quite frustrated. the pounding in my head got worse, my vision became blurred. then i realized it was time to eat.

back from lunch and one last attempt. i finally, FINALLY got someone who was willing to take patients. however, the earliest appointment i could get with this doctor was in march. great. oh, but wait! they can put me in with dr. mcdoctor later on today. hooray!

at 3:30 i sojourned down to the medical plaza for my first ever experience of being a responsible and healthy adult in boston. the following is an almost minute by minute or word for word account of my adventure. note, there is no exaggeration:

3:35 fill out paperwork, pay co-pay, venture upstairs to the waiting room
3:55 receptionist: "who are you waiting for?" me: "dr. mcdoctor."
4:20 nurse: "julie hullllllet" me: "me." we go back to tiny and dingy exam room.
4:22 nurse: "hang up your coat and purse and sit on the exam table. i'll take your blood pressure and temperature. ok done. here's a gown- if we can have you remover your pants." nurse types away on computer for 35 seconds then exits without another comment.
4:55 nurse re-enters room. "doctor mcdoctor will be with you in a few minutes"
4:58 doctor: "hi, i'm blah blah blah. what can i do for you today?"
me: "well, i have had a headache for about 6 days and severe leg pains for about 2."
dr: "ok, what is the main reason for you coming in today?"
me: "um, i've had a headache for about 6 days and severe leg pains for about 2."
dr: "ok, well, which is worse?"
me: "i...don't know...they're both pretty bad."
dr: "well, choose one, we've only got 20 minutes."
...
...
...
(did he just say that?)
...
...
...
me: "uh, i guess my legs."

the doctor proceeds to rub my legs and asks, "does that hurt?" to which i reply, "no, it feels better when you rub them. that's the problem..."
dr: cutting me off "well, i don't know what to tell you. have you taken any pain meds?"
me: "yes-but nothing has worked."
dr: "ok, i want you to try to take 800mg of ibuprofen. if the pain gets worse, come back in a few days."
me: "no way in hell."*

5:05 the doctor is out the door.
5:06 i'm out the door.

and that, kids, is why i don't ever visit the doctor.

*of course i didn't actually say that, but i wish i had.